hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Randomize
