Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
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