Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
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