Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Randomize
