how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
