Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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