it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
