I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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