Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
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