Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
