what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
