i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
