glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
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Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
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After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
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