dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
so are u like ashamed lol?
not really. i dont look at it as being homeless. im just going to pretend im on an extended camping trip
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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