Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Randomize
