My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
You made out with two different species that night
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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