Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Randomize
