Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Randomize
