I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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