well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
