batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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