I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
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