Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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