No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Randomize
