I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I AM VODKA MAN
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
