I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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