i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Randomize
