dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
