Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
i want to swaddle you in tequila
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
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