i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Randomize
