you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
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I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
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One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
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