Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
