Moan for me like Helen Keller
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Randomize
