last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
