There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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