fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
