I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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