woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Randomize
