i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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