i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
as a side note pls kill me
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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