If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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