My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
