It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
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