I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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