I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
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