It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
i would punch a child for taco bell
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I think I have vodka in my lungs
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Enjoy the penises
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
