Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
