I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I'm gonna fight the coyote
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
