i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Randomize
