The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
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