Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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