I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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