I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
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