fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Randomize
