i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
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There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
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You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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