So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
