I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I'm always down for nudity.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
