Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize
