My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Randomize
