She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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